Hello! This was an email that was sent to students who are actively involved in the NUS Students Union.
Subject: Union Day
Hi one and all,
As part of this year's FOCC project, there will be a Union Day held in
the first week of the new academic year AY 2008/2009.
Union Day will be a project where NUS Students' Union reach out to the
student population regarding the coming elections and essentially what
the Union does. It would be a one-day (or more, subject to ideas)
event and it can a bazaar, carnival, roadshow, etc. (Entirely up to
your originality and feasible ideas!)
Interest parties, please email to focc@nussu.org.sg and interviews
will be conducted.
Be not afraid to join this FOCC community, where you will learn
valuable experience and a platform for you to leap to greater heights!
Warm regards,
xxxxxxxxxx
FOCC Chairperson 08/09
xxxxxxxxxx
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Assessing it with the 7 C’s framework:
1) I think that the writer has displayed courtesy in her language. She started the email by greeting the readers with ‘hi one and all’ and ended it with ‘warm regards’, which I feel is basic courtesy. Also, when requesting for something, she was polite and used ‘please email’.
2) There are language errors in her email. Firstly, instead of ‘interest parties’, I think it should be ‘interested parties’. Secondly, ‘be not afraid to …’ is inaccurate. Perhaps it could be ‘Do not be afraid to…’ or ‘Do not hesitate to join ….’ Though minor, these errors can create confusion for readers and the email is ineffective in passing the intended message.
3) Her email is very concise. After greeting the readers, she jumped straight to the point and introduced the event. She then stated her aim of her email and the actions to be taken. I feel that she did not beat around the bush, which is good as doing so may bore the readers and make them skip the email before finish reading.
4) I think her email lacks clarity. It was written ‘interest parties, pls email….’ My initial thought when I read the email was ‘did she mean interested parties to attend the event or to join the organizing committee for the event?’ It’s rather vague and perhaps she could have said ‘Interested parties who want to join the organizing committee can email …..’ A few additional words can make a difference. Also I think she should have spelled out what does FOCC stands for as not everybody may know what it represents.
5) I think her email is coherent and cohesive. The flow of her content is very smooth and she has used conjunctions such as ‘and’, ‘or’ to link up her ideas.
6) Her description of the event is correct and information such as what to do, who to email is also accurate. Thus, her content is concrete.
7)Looking at it as a whole, I think her email is fairly complete. Though there are a few errors as mentioned above, her email contains sufficient information and by reading it, I get an idea of what the event is about and the things I should do if I am interested in organizing it.
Season Finale
14 years ago
Hi Shu Juan,
ReplyDeleteUpon reading the email, my first instinct was, 'What is this person trying to say? If I'm interested, am I supposed to organise one myself or help to organise the Union Day?' Wahaha
I agree with your comments to the email. She is indeed quite courteous but I think that the lack of content puts me off and I'll just thrash the email. I'm bad! By the way, what does FOCC stands for?
I think that it will be even better if she can give a brief description of the FOCC community so that people who do not know about them but is interested will at least be able to read on.
Hi Shu Juan,
ReplyDeleteI agree with the mistakes you have pointed out in this email and you have used the 7Cs well to explain and correct them. Good analysis!
However, I feel that the writer should have started the greeting by saying "Dear Students" because it sounds more formal compared to "Hi one and all" which is more informal. This would be more appropriate expecially when she is writing this email as a chairperson and representing her entire committee.
Hi Shu Juan,
ReplyDeleteI think that you have done a thorough analysis of this email. In addition, you have followed closely to the 7Cs when evaluating. Well done!
I agree that the email should be more clear in the message it wanted to convey to the reader. By saying "interest parties", it was not clear which group of people the email is referring to. It could be the ones interested to be the be involved in the bazaar or other events. It may also refer to those who wanted to join the organising committee.
In general, this email is still good as it managed to inform the readers of the event.
Hello Shu Juan,
ReplyDeleteThis is a very good analysis that you have come up with. I agree with what you have presented in your blog post.
The greeting of "Hi, one and all" seems quite confusing and it is not formal. Is the person to one person or is it for all students? I guess a better greeting would be to say "Good evening all" or " Hi fellow NUS students" if the sender really wanted the email to be an informal one.
Next, there is also a lack of correctness in the email. Simple mistakes such as "interest parties" should be avoided, as it shows a lack of sincerity in typing the email. If the email is meant to invite people to help organise the event, i believe more emphasis and attention should be placed into writing the email.
Apart from all these flaws, the email is generally effective in bringing across the message to the student population.
Thanks for the analysis again Shu Juan. =D
Hey Michelle!
ReplyDeleteFOCC stand for Freshmen Orientation Central Committee. :)
Yes I agree that she should have given a brief introduction of FOCC. She mentioned that it was part of the FOCC project hence she should have introduced what FOCC is and state why and how Union Day is part of it.
thanks for your own feedback of the email and for reading my analysis!
Hi Hui Xia!
ReplyDeleteI think you made a good point about the greetings used in the email. As a chairperson, perhaps she should use a more formal tone when addressing the readers. By using a more formal tone, I think it will garner more respect from the readers and also show her seriousness in her work.
Thanks for reading my analysis and see you during meeting! :)
Hi Qi Ying!
ReplyDeleteYea the writer is really unclear regarding the matter of 'interest parties', which is the whole purpose of her email. With that being unclear, the whole email fails in calling out to the targeted group.
However, you are right that the email is good about introducing the event to people and letting them have a rough idea of what the event is about! :)
Thanks for reading and giving a critique of the email! :)
Hey Keldren!
ReplyDeleteI agree that her way of greeting is informal and unclear on who is she addressing. If I received this email, I may be unsure whether I am the intended recipient of the email.
Making small mistakes may be go unnoticed but if spotted, it may send across an impression that the email was written in a hurry and like what you said, lacks in sincerity. Thus, perhaps she could have vet through her email before sending it out.
Thanks for your feedback! :)
Thank you, Shu Juan, for this example and for your very fine, detailed analysis. You've inspired a good discussion!
ReplyDeleteSorry Brad! I only went back to look at this post now and saw your comment! Thank you for your constant encouragement and positive support as it so often enables me to build up my confidence level!
ReplyDelete